When a writer’s laptop opens a hidden trauma

You might be surprised…

I woke this morning with a nagging realization I had had yesterday. That thing I don’t want to face. I want it to go away!

But reality doesn’t disappear in real life the way it did in the cult. Oh, those were the days…someone was always around to tell me what to do, what not to do, and how to think.

But it’s not going away. Today I am facing the fact that I need to buy a new computer. My 11 year old refurbished laptop has been randomly freezing. All day, I’ve been plagued by the discomfort of niggly things I don’t want to do: everything from checking the weather forecast (it’s an hour drive at minimum to a computer store) to calling technicians, to scheduling computer shopping, and just as importantly: creating a clear timeline for this purchase. I have a deep need to be comfortable with a new computer well before the March 21st symposium. Gulp.

This is NOT what I want to be doing. I spent the morning in my pjs googling and chatGPTing the pros and cons of refurbished versus new. I had bookmarked the computer supply store where I purchased the one that I’m working on now and that’s when it hit me.

Trauma.

My throat contracted.

I started to cough. I pushed through for a while, ignoring my body.

Something - I’m not sure what it was - made me stop. Maybe it was just a sound my husband made in the other room.

I stopped.

I realized I’m not alone in this. I realized my nervous system was in overdrive. My nerves were screaming STOP!

I closed my computer. Walked across the hall and sat on the bed. I asked my husband for help. In the middle of a workday. I stopped. I got help. Doesn’t always work out that way - but I’m sure glad it did today.

Opening that bookmark - one that has been sitting there for years - tripped a switch of memories of being held captive, of dissociation, of diminishment couched in empowerment. Hours upon hours of believing that I was being helped, not harmed.

Back then, I deferred. Today I’ve learned to trust the wisdom of my body. Recognizing and releasing patterns that no longer serve me gives room for something entirely new.

Perhaps even a brand spanking new computer! My cheeky husband told me: Money isn’t worth anything unless you spend it. I think we could start a cult with that line.

After talking things through with my husband, we went skiing through the woods. Deep breaths and physical movement helped my mind and body settle. But nagging niggles lingered until I sat myself down to write. Whether or not I share this with anyone, finding my words is finding deeper peace. By recognizing a trigger that I was completely oblivious to - going to that dang website - I have recovered a part of me that had been hijacked by something I couldn’t see then. But I see it now!

This my friends, is the gift of writing to reckon, of reclaiming autonomy. So of course I will share this with you! Sometimes I can’t see what’s obvious until I write it.

What’s your experience? When have you flicked a switch that surprised you with a traumatic memory? Have you discovered the words that want to be expressed yet?

The Reclaiming Autonomy Writing Symposium is right around the corner. The skilled and gifted presenters will offer you new tools. I can’t wait to share them with you and everyone who wants to be there!

It’s time to register.

Or it’s time to fill out the scholarship application. There’s help for you if your finances are too tight. (Please don’t let money be a reason to not attend!)

If the timing isn’t perfect for you, know that it will be recorded. All registrants will receive the recording a week or two afterwards.

Come write your way to integration, to greater coherence and more self-compassion.

And thank you so much for accompanying me on my writing journey today. I am taking deep breaths, feeling flickers of joy as I write to you. 💖

Warm regards,

Gerette